What does ” I hate you! ” mean? My 14 year old son told me this as he got out of the car this morning.Does it mean he hates life at this moment? Maybe, because he was late and still needed to drop off his football gear before heading to his classroom.Was he worried about dealing with something new? Or was it that he hates his 14 year old life? Most teenagers usually hate most everything about their life:the rules, wanting to be young yet yearning to be old,the need for more sleep yet never enough,the stress of dealing with all the craziness of social crap at school and multitudes of anything that crosses their everyday life.

OR does he REALLY hate me? That is where this hurts and stings. My logical mind tells me ” how could he?”.But often he tells me because of his attachment challenges he could stop caring for me completely at any time. My son is acutely aware after many years of therapy about his feelings.Sometimes they are clouded with his own vision but they are HIS feelings and beliefs. I can not diminsh them only help him see through some of the clouds.

I ask myself ” what need am I not meeting?” I question myself because to see him hurting, breaks my soul.I can not stand it.I never want to be the cause of his pain, but yet I am. I have chosen to be his mother, and he has allowed me. I believe because he has taken the chance to FEEL love, which is the most difficult choice of all, he therefore can also feel pain. Imagine your entire life always having unmet needs? The cycle of nuture not reciprocated and if it was it was punitive.How brave you are to even TRY to attach and love. But with that comes, pain.I know deep inside he is my hero.A special child lent to me to change my life.

Okay buttercup…. I need to suck this up!I tell myself this is NOT about me.I have to be stronger, more determined,more creative, more resilent.I breath in and then out slowly… releasing my own hurt.I try to feel my purpose that was laid before me on this journey. I can almost grasp it…
I know it is there.

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